there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
