I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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