Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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