ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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