The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
