I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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