Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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