There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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