You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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