The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
