He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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