Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
