Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
nutella sex= disaster
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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