i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
