Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
