Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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