if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
