More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
