It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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