i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
