Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
smell my finger.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
