remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
