Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
