If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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