No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
