: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
