if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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