My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
