my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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