I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
