Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
