I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
