Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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