he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
