I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
