I got chris browned last night
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
