I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
