Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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