First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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