neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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