I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
