I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
