I faked an abortion last night.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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