I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
