Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
