and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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