i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
