I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
