apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
