When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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